Attention Haters:

Hey You...

In my life, I have constantly been trying to please someone else– my teachers, my employers, my family, my friends, the world in general—but now, I want to please me. If my attitude, or my figure or my mentality bothers you, I’m done apologizing. Get over it. I’ve found the “Strength, Courage and Wisdom” that has been inside of me, and I am finally accepting myself for who and what I am. I don’t ask you to do the same; I just ask that you respect my decision.

I think I am finally at a place in my life where I am comfortable in my skin, and at peace with myself. I think that my being at peace makes others uncomfortable, in that because they find fault with the way I look or the way I act and think, that I should as well.

I am a fickle person. I own that. I change my mind constantly, and you know what?? It’s OK! I can do that. I don’t have to stay on one course forever. I can add spice and flair to my life, if I decide to. Just because I liked computers and gaming last year, doesn’t mean that I like it today. Just because I love shopping, and fashion and beautiful things today, doesn’t mean that I will next year. The ability to change your mind, your passions, and your desires is a truly amazing gift, which I put to good use.

I have dreams. Most are unrealized but I have them nonetheless. I want to write, to travel, to teach, to learn, to craft, to relax, to breathe. Some days, I want to do one more than another, but eventually I will get to them all. Just because your path lead you straight and directly to your dreams, doesn’t mean that mine will. Asking me what I want to do with my life doesn’t help. I don’t know yet, and I think that is OK too. I don’t know today, but I might tomorrow. I thought I knew a year ago, but it’s changed. I don’t mind. I know I signed up for school and I'm super excited now, but who knows a year from now... and I am OK with that.



“I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
‘Cause I know, now that I’ve opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be”

(India Arie “Strength Courage Wisdom”)

My Bucket List...what's on yours?

1. See all seven wonders of the world (My own personal list--culled from various "wonder" sources)

* Great Pyramid of Giza

* Great Wall Of China

* Stonehenge

* Colosseum

* Taj Mahal

* Grand Canyon

* The Great Barrier Reef

2. Learn a new language

3. Try out a new profession in a different field

4. Achieve your ideal weight

5. Run a marathon (Half Way there-- Did a half-marathon walking in 2009)

6. Take part in a triathlon

8. Go skiing 329

9. Learn horseback riding

10. Be a mentor to someone

11. Do an extreme sport – Bungee jump

12. Climb a mountain -- DONE! Mt. Major in Alton, NH. 248

13. Fly in a hot-air balloon across the country

14. Offer your service to a humanitarian cause

15. Experience a sunset - DONE Sunsets over Lake Winnipasaukee

16. Experience a sunrise

17. See the Northern Lights -- DONE! Iceland 2005

18. Witness a solar eclipse

19. Go stargazing -- DONE New Hampshire 2010

20. Plant a tree and watch it grow

21. Write a letter to at least 3 of your closest friends to let them know how much they mean to you

22. Throw a mega party

23. Go on a blind date!

24. Take up dancing: Salsa, Line dance, Tap dance, Tango, Ballroom dancing, etc

25. Learn a martial art -- In Progress (Muy Thai Kickboxing)

26. Go on a road trip

27. Go backpacking across at least 10 locations

28. Pack your bags and set off for a random location with no itinerary planned at all

29. Go swimming with dolphins

30. Live in a different country for at least 6 months -- Done several times over (Germany, Iceland)

31. Get featured on TV/radio/print/newspapers for an achievement you are proud of (accomplished in Work Newsletter for entire company 2009)

32. Knit a scarf

33. Go deep into the heart of Mother Nature. Go trekking in a rainforest; Camp out in the wilds; Walk in a valley; Visit a waterfall; Swim in an ocean; Walk in a valley

34. Read a book on a subject you'd never have thought of reading

35. Volunteer at a hospice

36. Fly a kite

37. Fall asleep on grassy plains

38. Conquer your biggest fear

39. Go snorkeling and experience marine life up close

40. Start a social movement on a cause you believe in

41. Watch cherry blossoms in Japan

42. Get closure on all your hurt, grievances and unhappiness of the past

43. Bury the hatchet with all the enemies / people you had conflict with in the past or now

44. Fly first class

45. Hit bullseye on a dartboard

46. Visit a volcano --

47. Fly in a helicopter

48. Have dinner with someone you had only dreamed of meeting

49. Go on a cruise in the sea

50. Fall in love :)

51. Get on a romantic getaway

52. Visit a castle in England

53. Help someone in need

54. Learn sign language

55. See the Mona Lisa in Louvre (Paris)

Material of Dreams Constructed

Material of Dreams Constructed, originally uploaded by CamuruPhotography.

Tired

I'm tired of me
I'm tired of life.
I'm tired of ....everything.
I'm tired of the fact that no matter how i intend for a conversation to go..it ends with me in tears.
I'm tired of the fact that I feel it necessary to apologize for my feelings.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of effort with no results,
I'm tired of having to be adult,
I'm tired of keeping back-up insults,
I'm tired of having no one to consult,
I'm tired of regrets that keep creeping in,
I'm tired of wanting to re-begin,
I'm tired of guilt not wearing thin,
I'm tired of trying, and trying, and trying,
I'm tired of unfulfilled teenage dreams,
I'm tired of not feeling part of a team,
I'm tired of not being able to scream,
I'm tired of nursing low self-esteem,
I'm tired of people ignoring me,
I'm tired of eyes that don't wanna meet,
I'm tired of faking happiness

Random hiking pics

These are all 1500 plus footers that I've done in the last month.

Then and now...

Roughly 250, my highest weight ever.

and now... Much better. :)

It's been a while...

and things have really changed.

I came back to New Hampshire in late May to finally lay Mom to rest (frozen ground..all that technical weather-y stuff) and decided to stay.  It was a hard decision to make... entailing changing custody agreements and leaving the town I fell in love with 12 years ago. I'll miss Omaha and the friendly midwestern people, to be sure-- but most of all I'll miss all of the Family I made there. I could call them friends, but the relationships are so far beyond that ....

New Hampshire is growing on me. Most of my family lives here now and it's nice getting to know them again. I have a great job, doing the work that I love in a GORGEOUS setting and some really great people to work with, so that's all coming together nicely as well.

I've been focusing much of my free time on my new hobby -- Photography-- and adding in some hiking/swimming to continue my journey towards a new me. I was really into SparkPeople for a while, but with the move and everything it sort of fell by the wayside, but I'm still working out and eating right and am attempting to get back into using the website because it really is a great motivational tool. The people there are amazing.

Well, off to shower and out to snap some more photo's. Have a great Monday!