Just a reposting today. I need to re-read this myself, and re-commit. I'm ready, are you?
I started thinking about this a while ago, and I guess the epiphany moment for me was that "weight-loss" itself can not, IS not, my "WHY."
My "why" has to be more tied into what I want out of life, my long term dreams, my goals, my aspirations in life. How can I possibly get excited, how can I possibly dedicate myself to something that I have not linked to the more important things I want out of life. Yeah, I want to fit into smaller jeans, but c'mon, when I lay back on my deathbed and think of the important things in life, am I really going to reflect back to the day I finally fit into a pair of skinny jeans? Maybe, but probably not.
I realized that my "WHY" are my larger life goals, the things I want, my dreams, and that weight loss is merely one tiny step, one tiny part of that "why." A healthy lifestyle is merely a tool that will allow me to live longer and pursue the kind of active lifestyle I want. And I guess what I am saying is that somewhere along this journey I lost that perspective, and a little bit of myself, as well. I did ultimately come to view myself as a number on the scale and that was a measurement of success/failure that I clung too. And it was for that number that I worked the various programs, with the goal being to get skinny. And of course, I had other reasons "to improve my heath" and to feel better, but I completely lost what that meant or why it was important. Simply losing became the goal and, honestly, a shallow, unsustainable, and hollow one. No wonder I burnt out, no wonder I can't find dedication. If someone at the end of my life asked, "and what did you do with your life?" and my answer was "I lost a lot of weight," that would be really, really sad. And of course, not true, because I was a good mother, a good friend, a caring person, but in terms of the goals that I set for myself and carried out, if losing was my only goal, I would not be satisfied, because losing weight in and of itself is simply not enough of a "why."
Getting skinny is not going to take me to my goals and dreams, but it is a step towards them, not something I am simply doing for getting skinnys sake. At the same time, that being said, there are a lot of other steps/transformations that I need to be doing at the same time I am working my towards my weight loss goals. My weight loss is not my lifelong dream, it is a step towards the kind of life I want, but that life is not going to be magically waiting there for me once I hit goal. Larger dissatisfaction's are not just going to melt away cause I am skinny. Shaky relationships are not going to miraculously improve just cause I got skinny. My self esteem is not going to magically improve because I am skinny (it may improve some, but so far, it hasn't). It just isn't.
So, I have decided to go about this weight loss thing from a slightly different angle, not as a goal in and of itself, but as a step towards the larger things I want out of life.
My "WHY" is ultimately to be able to live the kind of life that I want to lead. I want to lead an active, fit lifestyle so that I don't ever feel my age. I want to be spared the kind of health problems my mom had. I want to be happy and proud of myself.
Anyway, I am not sure that this makes sense to anyone outside my head. But I wanted to write it down for myself and share it...
Showing posts with label Random mutterings from a barely concious mind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Random mutterings from a barely concious mind. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
New years Resolutions (belatedly)
fear less, hope more;
eat less, chew more;
whine less, breathe more;
talk less, say more;
hate less, love more
Also, blog more. I've been neglecting this lately and I am really starting to feel the strain and stress from not having time to write down what I thinking and feeling.
eat less, chew more;
whine less, breathe more;
talk less, say more;
hate less, love more
Also, blog more. I've been neglecting this lately and I am really starting to feel the strain and stress from not having time to write down what I thinking and feeling.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Who I'm looking for...
# You are intelligent.
# You are a geek.
# You believe in the future, live in the present and learn from your past.
# You are grounded with no current severe addictions, afflictions of the heart or mental instabilities that need prompt medical attention.
# You love your job, career or calling and thrive on it.
# You are not in debt (save for your rent, mortgage and/or car payments) and pay your current bills on time.
# You love family and close friends.
# You are not a social butterfly that needs to be entertained hourly by other people.
# You can spell and love the intricacies of language.
# You enjoy silence and it doesn’t freak you out.
# You are good with your hands.
# You don’t mind getting them dirty.
# You listen well.
# You enjoy cooking.
# You are clean.
# You prefer slow cooking to fast food.
# You can read between the lines.
# You believe in Magic.
# You are creative and can think outside of the box while jumping up and down on it to smush those outdated beliefs.
# Your home can be anywhere.
# You do not need to own the latest fashions or gadgets to feel good about yourself.
# You are honest with your emotions but don’t wear them on your sleeve.
# You believe in talking it out rather than walking away.
# You own up to your mistakes.
# You treat people with kindness.
# You know how to use a hammer.
# You look at the person you are talking to.
# You are more anxious than depressed.
# You can laugh.
# You can make me laugh.
# You know the difference between hugging and getting it on.
# You like pens that click and have awesome ink flow.
# You flirt.
# You have faith in humanity.
# You have beautiful eyes and decent teeth.
# You believe there is a solution to any problem and work to resolve differences or in the least agree to disagree.
# You like walking outside.
# You aren’t ashamed of your past.
# You have been in love maybe more than once.
# You have had your heart broken.
# You have healthy habits and even some quirky one’s that you are working on.
# You stand up for yourself.
# You encourage but do not enable.
# You are not afraid of colour.
# You love anomalies.
# You eat your vegetables and love them.
# You know what you like and what you don’t like and don’t lie about it.
# You have larger hands than me.
# You don’t dart your tongue like a jackhammer while kissing or hold it there and do nothing.
# You have full lips.
# You talk about things that interest you.
# You share your life experience openly.
# You don’t hide when things get tuff.
# You know when to call it quits.
# You can keep up with me and perhaps slow me down when needed.
# You like to be followed.
# You like taking the lead and put your hand out to do so without even asking if it’s OK.
# You talk with your actions.
# You are a man!
# You like fruit.
# You like fish, chicken and other meats but do believe in vegetarianism to.
# You buy second hand.
# You buy new when needed.
# You like trees.
# You love the ocean and swimming it.
# You like sand.
# You have a hobby.
# You can build things in real life.
# You can build things online too.
# You inspire me.
# You like Tetris.
# You aren’t so much into violence unless you’re being attacked by a bear.
# You like lady bugs.
# You dislike hornets.
# You are not afraid of spiders.
# You are not afraid of the dark.
# You are not afraid of rain or fog.
# You might have allergies.
# You might have minor current health issues.
# You earn enough money to support a family.
# You are creative and can solve problems.
# You are wordly.
# You have traveled.
# You can tell wonderful stories.
# You don’t mind repeating yourself.
# You aren’t scared to make the first move.
# You are a geek.
# You believe in the future, live in the present and learn from your past.
# You are grounded with no current severe addictions, afflictions of the heart or mental instabilities that need prompt medical attention.
# You love your job, career or calling and thrive on it.
# You are not in debt (save for your rent, mortgage and/or car payments) and pay your current bills on time.
# You love family and close friends.
# You are not a social butterfly that needs to be entertained hourly by other people.
# You can spell and love the intricacies of language.
# You enjoy silence and it doesn’t freak you out.
# You are good with your hands.
# You don’t mind getting them dirty.
# You listen well.
# You enjoy cooking.
# You are clean.
# You prefer slow cooking to fast food.
# You can read between the lines.
# You believe in Magic.
# You are creative and can think outside of the box while jumping up and down on it to smush those outdated beliefs.
# Your home can be anywhere.
# You do not need to own the latest fashions or gadgets to feel good about yourself.
# You are honest with your emotions but don’t wear them on your sleeve.
# You believe in talking it out rather than walking away.
# You own up to your mistakes.
# You treat people with kindness.
# You know how to use a hammer.
# You look at the person you are talking to.
# You are more anxious than depressed.
# You can laugh.
# You can make me laugh.
# You know the difference between hugging and getting it on.
# You like pens that click and have awesome ink flow.
# You flirt.
# You have faith in humanity.
# You have beautiful eyes and decent teeth.
# You believe there is a solution to any problem and work to resolve differences or in the least agree to disagree.
# You like walking outside.
# You aren’t ashamed of your past.
# You have been in love maybe more than once.
# You have had your heart broken.
# You have healthy habits and even some quirky one’s that you are working on.
# You stand up for yourself.
# You encourage but do not enable.
# You are not afraid of colour.
# You love anomalies.
# You eat your vegetables and love them.
# You know what you like and what you don’t like and don’t lie about it.
# You have larger hands than me.
# You don’t dart your tongue like a jackhammer while kissing or hold it there and do nothing.
# You have full lips.
# You talk about things that interest you.
# You share your life experience openly.
# You don’t hide when things get tuff.
# You know when to call it quits.
# You can keep up with me and perhaps slow me down when needed.
# You like to be followed.
# You like taking the lead and put your hand out to do so without even asking if it’s OK.
# You talk with your actions.
# You are a man!
# You like fruit.
# You like fish, chicken and other meats but do believe in vegetarianism to.
# You buy second hand.
# You buy new when needed.
# You like trees.
# You love the ocean and swimming it.
# You like sand.
# You have a hobby.
# You can build things in real life.
# You can build things online too.
# You inspire me.
# You like Tetris.
# You aren’t so much into violence unless you’re being attacked by a bear.
# You like lady bugs.
# You dislike hornets.
# You are not afraid of spiders.
# You are not afraid of the dark.
# You are not afraid of rain or fog.
# You might have allergies.
# You might have minor current health issues.
# You earn enough money to support a family.
# You are creative and can solve problems.
# You are wordly.
# You have traveled.
# You can tell wonderful stories.
# You don’t mind repeating yourself.
# You aren’t scared to make the first move.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Happy Birthday to me...
Tomorrow is my birthday. Another year has gone so quickly--Birthdays are, without question, a time of reflection, a time of thinking of oneself and one’s life. What kind of year am I closing out, and who will I be this coming year? What does it mean to me to be a year older, now that I am long past the years of wanting to be a year older? My friends and family are all healthy and well and are living lovely lives. I am feeling fitter and stronger than I have in a few years, and am looking forward to feeling even better in the future. Looking back, do I have any regrets? Not my major decisions like entering the military, having kids, and getting married or even getting divorced. But maybe the minor ones like my health choices or stupid arguments in the early years of married life and my mistakes in parenting. But, generally if given a chance, I would still live my life the same way I did. Because looking back I know I have learned my life’s greatest lessons from my mistakes--especially the painful ones. But that is past. Today I want to dwell in the present and savor the moment. All in all, it'll be a happy birthday, and I'm grateful for it. So tomorrow, I’ll be raising a glass (of diet Pepsi—working you know ) and toasting the year that has gone by, and looking forward to life as a 31 year old mother, friend, daughter, sister, loved one, and a healthy woman.
I love you all :) Thanks for making this a great year for me.
I love you all :) Thanks for making this a great year for me.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Attention Haters:
Hey You...
In my life, I have constantly been trying to please someone else– my teachers, my employers, my family, my friends, the world in general—but now, I want to please me. If my attitude, or my figure or my mentality bothers you, I’m done apologizing. Get over it. I’ve found the “Strength, Courage and Wisdom” that has been inside of me, and I am finally accepting myself for who and what I am. I don’t ask you to do the same; I just ask that you respect my decision.
I think I am finally at a place in my life where I am comfortable in my skin, and at peace with myself. I think that my being at peace makes others uncomfortable, in that because they find fault with the way I look or the way I act and think, that I should as well.
I am a fickle person. I own that. I change my mind constantly, and you know what?? It’s OK! I can do that. I don’t have to stay on one course forever. I can add spice and flair to my life, if I decide to. Just because I liked computers and gaming last year, doesn’t mean that I like it today. Just because I love shopping, and fashion and beautiful things today, doesn’t mean that I will next year. The ability to change your mind, your passions, and your desires is a truly amazing gift, which I put to good use.
I have dreams. Most are unrealized but I have them nonetheless. I want to write, to travel, to teach, to learn, to craft, to relax, to breathe. Some days, I want to do one more than another, but eventually I will get to them all. Just because your path lead you straight and directly to your dreams, doesn’t mean that mine will. Asking me what I want to do with my life doesn’t help. I don’t know yet, and I think that is OK too. I don’t know today, but I might tomorrow. I thought I knew a year ago, but it’s changed. I don’t mind. I know I signed up for school and I'm super excited now, but who knows a year from now... and I am OK with that.
“I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
‘Cause I know, now that I’ve opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be”
(India Arie “Strength Courage Wisdom”)
In my life, I have constantly been trying to please someone else– my teachers, my employers, my family, my friends, the world in general—but now, I want to please me. If my attitude, or my figure or my mentality bothers you, I’m done apologizing. Get over it. I’ve found the “Strength, Courage and Wisdom” that has been inside of me, and I am finally accepting myself for who and what I am. I don’t ask you to do the same; I just ask that you respect my decision.
I think I am finally at a place in my life where I am comfortable in my skin, and at peace with myself. I think that my being at peace makes others uncomfortable, in that because they find fault with the way I look or the way I act and think, that I should as well.
I am a fickle person. I own that. I change my mind constantly, and you know what?? It’s OK! I can do that. I don’t have to stay on one course forever. I can add spice and flair to my life, if I decide to. Just because I liked computers and gaming last year, doesn’t mean that I like it today. Just because I love shopping, and fashion and beautiful things today, doesn’t mean that I will next year. The ability to change your mind, your passions, and your desires is a truly amazing gift, which I put to good use.
I have dreams. Most are unrealized but I have them nonetheless. I want to write, to travel, to teach, to learn, to craft, to relax, to breathe. Some days, I want to do one more than another, but eventually I will get to them all. Just because your path lead you straight and directly to your dreams, doesn’t mean that mine will. Asking me what I want to do with my life doesn’t help. I don’t know yet, and I think that is OK too. I don’t know today, but I might tomorrow. I thought I knew a year ago, but it’s changed. I don’t mind. I know I signed up for school and I'm super excited now, but who knows a year from now... and I am OK with that.
“I close my eyes and I think of all the things that I want to see
‘Cause I know, now that I’ve opened up my heart I know that
Anything I want can be, so let it be, so let it be”
(India Arie “Strength Courage Wisdom”)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
My Bucket List...what's on yours?
1. See all seven wonders of the world (My own personal list--culled from various "wonder" sources)
* Great Pyramid of Giza
* Great Wall Of China
* Stonehenge
* Colosseum
* Taj Mahal
* Grand Canyon
* The Great Barrier Reef
2. Learn a new language
3. Try out a new profession in a different field
4. Achieve your ideal weight
5. Run a marathon (Half Way there-- Did a half-marathon walking in 2009)
6. Take part in a triathlon
8. Go skiing 329
9. Learn horseback riding
10. Be a mentor to someone
11. Do an extreme sport – Bungee jump
12. Climb a mountain -- DONE! Mt. Major in Alton, NH. 248
13. Fly in a hot-air balloon across the country
14. Offer your service to a humanitarian cause
15. Experience a sunset - DONE Sunsets over Lake Winnipasaukee
16. Experience a sunrise
17. See the Northern Lights -- DONE! Iceland 2005
18. Witness a solar eclipse
19. Go stargazing -- DONE New Hampshire 2010
20. Plant a tree and watch it grow
21. Write a letter to at least 3 of your closest friends to let them know how much they mean to you
22. Throw a mega party
23. Go on a blind date!
24. Take up dancing: Salsa, Line dance, Tap dance, Tango, Ballroom dancing, etc
25. Learn a martial art -- In Progress (Muy Thai Kickboxing)
26. Go on a road trip
27. Go backpacking across at least 10 locations
28. Pack your bags and set off for a random location with no itinerary planned at all
29. Go swimming with dolphins
30. Live in a different country for at least 6 months -- Done several times over (Germany, Iceland)
31. Get featured on TV/radio/print/newspapers for an achievement you are proud of (accomplished in Work Newsletter for entire company 2009)
32. Knit a scarf
33. Go deep into the heart of Mother Nature. Go trekking in a rainforest; Camp out in the wilds; Walk in a valley; Visit a waterfall; Swim in an ocean; Walk in a valley
34. Read a book on a subject you'd never have thought of reading
35. Volunteer at a hospice
36. Fly a kite
37. Fall asleep on grassy plains
38. Conquer your biggest fear
39. Go snorkeling and experience marine life up close
40. Start a social movement on a cause you believe in
41. Watch cherry blossoms in Japan
42. Get closure on all your hurt, grievances and unhappiness of the past
43. Bury the hatchet with all the enemies / people you had conflict with in the past or now
44. Fly first class
45. Hit bullseye on a dartboard
46. Visit a volcano --
47. Fly in a helicopter
48. Have dinner with someone you had only dreamed of meeting
49. Go on a cruise in the sea
50. Fall in love :)
51. Get on a romantic getaway
52. Visit a castle in England
53. Help someone in need
54. Learn sign language
55. See the Mona Lisa in Louvre (Paris)
Monday, July 26, 2010
It's been a while...
and things have really changed.
I came back to New Hampshire in late May to finally lay Mom to rest (frozen ground..all that technical weather-y stuff) and decided to stay. It was a hard decision to make... entailing changing custody agreements and leaving the town I fell in love with 12 years ago. I'll miss Omaha and the friendly midwestern people, to be sure-- but most of all I'll miss all of the Family I made there. I could call them friends, but the relationships are so far beyond that ....
New Hampshire is growing on me. Most of my family lives here now and it's nice getting to know them again. I have a great job, doing the work that I love in a GORGEOUS setting and some really great people to work with, so that's all coming together nicely as well.
I've been focusing much of my free time on my new hobby -- Photography-- and adding in some hiking/swimming to continue my journey towards a new me. I was really into SparkPeople for a while, but with the move and everything it sort of fell by the wayside, but I'm still working out and eating right and am attempting to get back into using the website because it really is a great motivational tool. The people there are amazing.
Well, off to shower and out to snap some more photo's. Have a great Monday!
I came back to New Hampshire in late May to finally lay Mom to rest (frozen ground..all that technical weather-y stuff) and decided to stay. It was a hard decision to make... entailing changing custody agreements and leaving the town I fell in love with 12 years ago. I'll miss Omaha and the friendly midwestern people, to be sure-- but most of all I'll miss all of the Family I made there. I could call them friends, but the relationships are so far beyond that ....
New Hampshire is growing on me. Most of my family lives here now and it's nice getting to know them again. I have a great job, doing the work that I love in a GORGEOUS setting and some really great people to work with, so that's all coming together nicely as well.
I've been focusing much of my free time on my new hobby -- Photography-- and adding in some hiking/swimming to continue my journey towards a new me. I was really into SparkPeople for a while, but with the move and everything it sort of fell by the wayside, but I'm still working out and eating right and am attempting to get back into using the website because it really is a great motivational tool. The people there are amazing.
Well, off to shower and out to snap some more photo's. Have a great Monday!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Things that make you wonder...
Did you ever catch yourself in the middle of doing something and wonder how the hell you ended up there at that point in time? I just had a moment like that...I was walking downstairs to the laundry room in the basement of the apartment building and suddenly it occurred to me that this isn't' how my life was planned out... this wasn't where I was supposed to be.
I'm 30 with three kids-- I should be married, in a little house with a fence and a big backyard where the dog can run around and the kids can ride their bikes on the sidewalk in front...but no, I live in a small walk up apartment, with a grouchy cat, my kids are only here 50 percent of the time and I'm not married.
But as I stood there, on the stairs with a large basket of laundry, I realized something-- I am the happiest I have been in 12 years. I know what makes my heart sing and I now have the courage to seek it out. I don't feel the need to hide behind what others visions of a wife/woman are anymore, I know who I am and I know that I live to love, laugh, and be with the ones who help me to do so. I think for myself, but am willing to listen, so long as you will listen in return. I know that I dont' always have to be perfect, and I don't always have to be a saint (saints are boring anyway) I'm not perfect, I never tried to be. I've made mistakes. I've taken the easy way out. I've lied to my friends. I've hidden the truth so many times from so many people. I've hurt people, and I've even done it on purpose. I've left people behind. I've spread rumors. I've said things that I didn't mean. I'm no better than anyone, anywhere. I'm human. I have faults, and I'm not afraid to admit that. I want to change, but I won't. Because that's what we as humans do. That's what we've always done. We list our faults like a grocery list, and we move on, expecting everything to somehow change itself. It never will. I will never change. I will never be perfect. I will always make mistakes. What matters now is that I know this about myself and that I am comfortable with who I am. I wouldn't have come to this conclusion, this self-acceptance, this peace-- if I had continued on the path that I had been on...if the little house with the large backyard, the dog running around were still in the picture, I'd still be the unsure, unfufilled, depressed little girl that I was. Thankfully, I have grown up and moved on.
So, I guess Douglas Adams sums it up best : "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
I'm 30 with three kids-- I should be married, in a little house with a fence and a big backyard where the dog can run around and the kids can ride their bikes on the sidewalk in front...but no, I live in a small walk up apartment, with a grouchy cat, my kids are only here 50 percent of the time and I'm not married.
But as I stood there, on the stairs with a large basket of laundry, I realized something-- I am the happiest I have been in 12 years. I know what makes my heart sing and I now have the courage to seek it out. I don't feel the need to hide behind what others visions of a wife/woman are anymore, I know who I am and I know that I live to love, laugh, and be with the ones who help me to do so. I think for myself, but am willing to listen, so long as you will listen in return. I know that I dont' always have to be perfect, and I don't always have to be a saint (saints are boring anyway) I'm not perfect, I never tried to be. I've made mistakes. I've taken the easy way out. I've lied to my friends. I've hidden the truth so many times from so many people. I've hurt people, and I've even done it on purpose. I've left people behind. I've spread rumors. I've said things that I didn't mean. I'm no better than anyone, anywhere. I'm human. I have faults, and I'm not afraid to admit that. I want to change, but I won't. Because that's what we as humans do. That's what we've always done. We list our faults like a grocery list, and we move on, expecting everything to somehow change itself. It never will. I will never change. I will never be perfect. I will always make mistakes. What matters now is that I know this about myself and that I am comfortable with who I am. I wouldn't have come to this conclusion, this self-acceptance, this peace-- if I had continued on the path that I had been on...if the little house with the large backyard, the dog running around were still in the picture, I'd still be the unsure, unfufilled, depressed little girl that I was. Thankfully, I have grown up and moved on.
So, I guess Douglas Adams sums it up best : "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Did you ever?
Did you ever hear a song that spoke the words that you longed to say, long after the situation was over? Long past the time of the other party caring? There is this one song that- every time I hear it--makes me want to go back and say the exact words to someone. I won't name names, but I am sure it'll be obvious to a few of you. (I made a few tense changes, to make it make better sense)
According to you
I was stupid,
I was useless,
I couldn't do anything right.
According to you
I was difficult,
Hard to please,
Forever changing my mind.
I was a mess in a dress,
Couldn't show up on time,
Even if it would've saved my life.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
So baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you.
According to you
I was boring,
I was moody,
You couldn't take me any place.
According to you
I sucked at telling jokes cause I always gave it away.
I was the girl with the worst attention span;
You were the boy who put up with it.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
So baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you.
I needed to feel appreciated,
Like I wasn't hated. oh-- no--.
Why couldn't you see me through his eyes?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Beannachtam na Femle Padraig!!
Go raibh do ghloine lán go deo.
Go raibh láidir go breá
an dion thar do cheann.
Go raibh tú à Neamh,
leathúair os comhair
a bhfuil a fhÃos ag an diabhal
atá tú bás.
Go raibh láidir go breá
an dion thar do cheann.
Go raibh tú à Neamh,
leathúair os comhair
a bhfuil a fhÃos ag an diabhal
atá tú bás.
(May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head.
be always strong.
May you be in heaven
a half hour before
the devil knows you're dead.)
May the roof over your head.
be always strong.
May you be in heaven
a half hour before
the devil knows you're dead.)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
FYI to whom it may concern:
My feelings for you are complicated, the only thing I know for sure is that you make me smile and I will continue to fight for that.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Random
Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?
Nope. :)
Last person you kissed calls you, what are they calling you for?
Umm, to make some random comment or joke most likely-- just to make me giggle.
Do you ever think about the past?
always
Do you have any plans Friday?
Not yet...they're usually last minute.
What's your favorite thing to do when you're bored?
nap
Who are the last 5 text messages from in your inbox?
Josh and Steve
What were you doing an hour ago?
Clocking in to work :)
In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence?
yep
What're you wearing right now?
Jeans and a torrid tee
Who was the last person to lay in bed with you?
Josh
Have you ever kissed somebody driving?
yes
What were you doing when you found out Michael Jackson was dead?
Sleeping?
So you want to see somebody right now?
yes.
Would you rather sing or dance in front of 100,000 people?
Oh God..neither.
Would it be more likely of you to fail Science or Math?
Math
Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?
Yes--and this time it was his fault --But it was a good cry.
Are you a forgiving person?
Honestly..not really.
What are you listening to?
Michelle talking...she's amazing.
Did anyone see your last kiss?
Just the people at the stop light.
Last people you rode in a car with?
Josh
Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?
ROFL, of course
Are you nice to everyone?
No..I'm not a nice person generally.
Last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
It's been a while, but I think it was the Hangover with Deb
Where was your default taken?
UNO Mavs game.
What color are your underwear?
Blue today.
What's on your mind right now?
How much I need to go back to sleep.
What are you doing right now?
Listening to Michelle
Are you jealous of someone right now?
yup
Do you still talk to the person who hurt you most in your life?
Almost daily
When you're bored in class, what do you usually do?
Umm, I think I wrote stories or notes
How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
Well..I think my mom went out and got one too, lol.
Is there anyone you want to come see you?
Yep :)
What are you looking forward to?
Sleeping
Do you know anyone who drinks a lot?
yes
Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
Yes.
Does the last person you kissed still like you?
yes :) I know it.
Meet anyone new this year?
yes
Have you ever tripped while walking up the stairs?
Have you met me?
Ever told someone you loved them and meant it?
Yep
What are you doing tonight?
sleeping
Do you believe teenagers can be in love and stay in love?
Sure, why not.
Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?
yup
If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?
yes
Where do you wish you were right now?
Honestly..In bed.
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
A few times, damn cell phone.
Is there a person of the opposite gender on your mind?
well, duh?
If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Not really, I'm moving past that.
Is it easy for you to talk to people of the opposite sex?
yea
Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
all of them, mostly future
Honestly, did you really love the last person you said I love you too?
Yea
This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
yes
Are you highly attracted to anyone right now?
yes
Have you ever dyed your hair?
ROFL, yeah
Do you look anything like your bestfriend?
LOL, yes.
Are you in High School?
No
Do you have a favorite letter?
F
As of this minute, what is going through your mind?
Only 7 hours to go
What color is your shirt:
Grey
If you are being extremely quiet what does that mean?
I'm pissed..or sleeping.
Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months?
No...I don't do "ships"
Who did you last text?
Josh
How do you feel about our current president, Barack Obama?
I <3 him...so sue me.
Name something you dislike about the day you're having?
That I'm awake.
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
fall
Do you like when people play with your hair?
OMG, yes
Are you someone who worries too often?
I can
If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad?
I'm not sure...that's an odd thought.
Do you think someone has feelings for you?
yes
Have you ever used your bra/underwear to hold things like you would a pocket?
Rofl, yep
Is any part of you sad at all?
Well, sure
Did you lay with someone last night?
Just the cat
Was your last kiss sober or drunk?
Me sober, them drunk
Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Torrid
What is wrong with you right now?
im tired?
Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?
Jeans
Where do your best friends live?
Way the crap in Iowa
Favorite color?
grey
What was the first thing you did this morning?
Shower
Who was the first person you saw this morning?
Sena and Michelle
Was yesterday fun?
OMG yes!
Last person of the opposite sex in your room?
The same one as always...
Can you sing?
i wish!
How many scars do you have?
a few
Will you be drunk in the next 24 hours?
no
What color is your bedroom door?
Wood?
Did you resolve your last big fight?
No..probably never will
What were you doing at 7:00 this morning?
Working
What are your initials?
RLG
How many kids do you want to have?
Just the ones that I do
What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
VEGAS!!
Do you usually apologize first?
yes-- and it makes me angry that I give in so easy.
Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
yes
How many pillows are on your bed?
Right now? 5
When's the last time you said you were okay, but really weren't?
um all the time
Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
I'm sure there are.
Are you in a good mood right now?
Meh
Is there someone who has made a difference in your life?
Several
Have you ever had your heart broken?
mhm
Do you drop your phone a lot?
LOL, yeah
What color are the pants you're wearing?
Blue?
Do you love your parents?
yes
Do you drink more water or juice?
Water
Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
a resident most likely
What is the last drink you drank?
Diet Pepsi
How long is your hair?
Shoulder ish
Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
Tis a running joke
What is your favorite key chain on your keys?
My naked fairy
What is in your pocket?
Keys, chapstick, iPod, badge, money.
When is your birthday?
Oct 9
What's the area code for your cell phone?
402
Do you remember the name of your kindergarten teacher?
Didn't go to kindergarten :)
When you're at the grocery store do you use the self checkout?
yea
What color are your eyes?
Blue
How tall are you?
5'3
Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
Mom
How long does it take you to shower?
20 minutes?
What movie do you want to see?
A few
Was your mom a cheerleader?
Doubt it
What is the last letter of your middle name?
e
How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
-9?
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
always
Are you scared of flying?
Just the taking off and landing part.
What do you sleep in?
Pajamas
What jewelry do you wear all the time?
Star necklace
What is your favorite song at the moment?
LOL Smiley Face
Do you like chocolate?
my favorite <3
Are you easy to get along with?
Sure
Nope. :)
Last person you kissed calls you, what are they calling you for?
Umm, to make some random comment or joke most likely-- just to make me giggle.
Do you ever think about the past?
always
Do you have any plans Friday?
Not yet...they're usually last minute.
What's your favorite thing to do when you're bored?
nap
Who are the last 5 text messages from in your inbox?
Josh and Steve
What were you doing an hour ago?
Clocking in to work :)
In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence?
yep
What're you wearing right now?
Jeans and a torrid tee
Who was the last person to lay in bed with you?
Josh
Have you ever kissed somebody driving?
yes
What were you doing when you found out Michael Jackson was dead?
Sleeping?
So you want to see somebody right now?
yes.
Would you rather sing or dance in front of 100,000 people?
Oh God..neither.
Would it be more likely of you to fail Science or Math?
Math
Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?
Yes--and this time it was his fault --But it was a good cry.
Are you a forgiving person?
Honestly..not really.
What are you listening to?
Michelle talking...she's amazing.
Did anyone see your last kiss?
Just the people at the stop light.
Last people you rode in a car with?
Josh
Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?
ROFL, of course
Are you nice to everyone?
No..I'm not a nice person generally.
Last movie you saw in theaters and with who?
It's been a while, but I think it was the Hangover with Deb
Where was your default taken?
UNO Mavs game.
What color are your underwear?
Blue today.
What's on your mind right now?
How much I need to go back to sleep.
What are you doing right now?
Listening to Michelle
Are you jealous of someone right now?
yup
Do you still talk to the person who hurt you most in your life?
Almost daily
When you're bored in class, what do you usually do?
Umm, I think I wrote stories or notes
How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
Well..I think my mom went out and got one too, lol.
Is there anyone you want to come see you?
Yep :)
What are you looking forward to?
Sleeping
Do you know anyone who drinks a lot?
yes
Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
Yes.
Does the last person you kissed still like you?
yes :) I know it.
Meet anyone new this year?
yes
Have you ever tripped while walking up the stairs?
Have you met me?
Ever told someone you loved them and meant it?
Yep
What are you doing tonight?
sleeping
Do you believe teenagers can be in love and stay in love?
Sure, why not.
Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?
yup
If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?
yes
Where do you wish you were right now?
Honestly..In bed.
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
A few times, damn cell phone.
Is there a person of the opposite gender on your mind?
well, duh?
If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Not really, I'm moving past that.
Is it easy for you to talk to people of the opposite sex?
yea
Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
all of them, mostly future
Honestly, did you really love the last person you said I love you too?
Yea
This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
yes
Are you highly attracted to anyone right now?
yes
Have you ever dyed your hair?
ROFL, yeah
Do you look anything like your bestfriend?
LOL, yes.
Are you in High School?
No
Do you have a favorite letter?
F
As of this minute, what is going through your mind?
Only 7 hours to go
What color is your shirt:
Grey
If you are being extremely quiet what does that mean?
I'm pissed..or sleeping.
Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months?
No...I don't do "ships"
Who did you last text?
Josh
How do you feel about our current president, Barack Obama?
I <3 him...so sue me.
Name something you dislike about the day you're having?
That I'm awake.
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
fall
Do you like when people play with your hair?
OMG, yes
Are you someone who worries too often?
I can
If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad?
I'm not sure...that's an odd thought.
Do you think someone has feelings for you?
yes
Have you ever used your bra/underwear to hold things like you would a pocket?
Rofl, yep
Is any part of you sad at all?
Well, sure
Did you lay with someone last night?
Just the cat
Was your last kiss sober or drunk?
Me sober, them drunk
Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Torrid
What is wrong with you right now?
im tired?
Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?
Jeans
Where do your best friends live?
Way the crap in Iowa
Favorite color?
grey
What was the first thing you did this morning?
Shower
Who was the first person you saw this morning?
Sena and Michelle
Was yesterday fun?
OMG yes!
Last person of the opposite sex in your room?
The same one as always...
Can you sing?
i wish!
How many scars do you have?
a few
Will you be drunk in the next 24 hours?
no
What color is your bedroom door?
Wood?
Did you resolve your last big fight?
No..probably never will
What were you doing at 7:00 this morning?
Working
What are your initials?
RLG
How many kids do you want to have?
Just the ones that I do
What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
VEGAS!!
Do you usually apologize first?
yes-- and it makes me angry that I give in so easy.
Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
yes
How many pillows are on your bed?
Right now? 5
When's the last time you said you were okay, but really weren't?
um all the time
Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
I'm sure there are.
Are you in a good mood right now?
Meh
Is there someone who has made a difference in your life?
Several
Have you ever had your heart broken?
mhm
Do you drop your phone a lot?
LOL, yeah
What color are the pants you're wearing?
Blue?
Do you love your parents?
yes
Do you drink more water or juice?
Water
Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
a resident most likely
What is the last drink you drank?
Diet Pepsi
How long is your hair?
Shoulder ish
Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
Tis a running joke
What is your favorite key chain on your keys?
My naked fairy
What is in your pocket?
Keys, chapstick, iPod, badge, money.
When is your birthday?
Oct 9
What's the area code for your cell phone?
402
Do you remember the name of your kindergarten teacher?
Didn't go to kindergarten :)
When you're at the grocery store do you use the self checkout?
yea
What color are your eyes?
Blue
How tall are you?
5'3
Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
Mom
How long does it take you to shower?
20 minutes?
What movie do you want to see?
A few
Was your mom a cheerleader?
Doubt it
What is the last letter of your middle name?
e
How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
-9?
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
always
Are you scared of flying?
Just the taking off and landing part.
What do you sleep in?
Pajamas
What jewelry do you wear all the time?
Star necklace
What is your favorite song at the moment?
LOL Smiley Face
Do you like chocolate?
my favorite <3
Are you easy to get along with?
Sure
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Everything is waiting for you...
Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice. You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The Single life...
There was a time In my life when There was no place
I'd rather be, Than with you,I loved you desperately,
On my mind all the time,I gave you every kind
of love I could give,You broke my heart
I thought I'd never live.Every tear that I cried
It made me stronger(made me stronger)
An' I don't want No-one by my side.
I got myself a single life-- it's bringing me joy,
Single life.
I'm living and now I've found I don't need you
Now I'm out on my own Single life feels so right!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Thanksgiving 2009
"If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily." -Gerald Good
This has been a year of loss, heartache, change and endings--But
throughout it all, I can see the small things to be thankful for.
I am healthy. My kids are healthy and happy. My small family, while no
longer intact in the way that I would have hoped is still functioning.
My friends have shown the utmost of support and love. My larger family
back east is happy and healthy as well, and have shown their undying
support and have been there for me when I needed to cry, to vent, to
laugh and to just get away. I've reconnected with friends from years
ago and realized how much I missed them in my life. I've made new
friends that will be lifelong ones. I've been able to travel and see
places and people that I love and look forward to visiting again. I've
found my stride as a single person and have made a good start on
several new relationships that are healthy and happy and fun. I've
realized that I'm not looking for myself anymore--I've found me and
now, I'm taking the time to get to know me again.
Thank you all so much for being part of my life this past year. Thank
you for your support, your love, your friendship. I love you all.
Here's to many more years together.
--Becky
This has been a year of loss, heartache, change and endings--But
throughout it all, I can see the small things to be thankful for.
I am healthy. My kids are healthy and happy. My small family, while no
longer intact in the way that I would have hoped is still functioning.
My friends have shown the utmost of support and love. My larger family
back east is happy and healthy as well, and have shown their undying
support and have been there for me when I needed to cry, to vent, to
laugh and to just get away. I've reconnected with friends from years
ago and realized how much I missed them in my life. I've made new
friends that will be lifelong ones. I've been able to travel and see
places and people that I love and look forward to visiting again. I've
found my stride as a single person and have made a good start on
several new relationships that are healthy and happy and fun. I've
realized that I'm not looking for myself anymore--I've found me and
now, I'm taking the time to get to know me again.
Thank you all so much for being part of my life this past year. Thank
you for your support, your love, your friendship. I love you all.
Here's to many more years together.
--Becky
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Truth
I don’t know. I’ll be the bigger person, I just need to be strong enough. I am strong at other things in life, believe me. My broken heart will keep on reminding me that sometimes I will miss him and sometimes I wont, but thinking of him is just a never ending force. Sincere and honest truth, there is only one person who can fix it- the one who broke it. But, it's something that he can't/won't ever fix. Not sure if I'd let him try. I'm finding that I can stand on my own, it's shaky and scary and utterly perplexing, but I can do it. Just watch.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Time told.
Well, He called... and texted. A ton. I don't think it's been more than 8 hours with out hearing from him in someway since last friday. Huh.
Friday, October 16, 2009
A random gift :)
So, I'm sitting at home last night and get a text message from my girl Deb who wants me to come out to her dad and step-mom's anniversary party. Now normally, I am not a huge fan of parties where I don't know anyone but Deb is being very persuasive about it. I say no initially...so she tells me that she's got a birthday gift for me there. I like presents, so I tell her to send me a picture.... and OMG!!! Holy hot scruffy DJ neighbor of her dad's Batman! So I get all dressed up and head out to small town Iowa for a anniversary party for people I don't really know.
Once there, I get to meet hot DJ :) who is very obviously drunk but charming nonetheless. He tells me he's 37 (very obviously not) and black (again, obviously not) and seems shocked when I don't fall for his bullshit. He then begins telling me about himself, Name Josh, occupation DJ, just moved to IA from Houston. There's is a good amount of "chemistry" between the two of us and we exchange phone numbers and photos from our phones. I look at his mom, who happes to live next door to Deb's dad... and tell her that I am going to do inappropriate things with her son. She gives her blessing. (To her credit, she was also drunk at the time)
Conversation flows, the alcohol flows and soon it's time to go home. Josh walks me to the car and gives me a big hug and kiss goodbye. He promises to call soon...time will tell.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Who am I?
I am wistful and optimistic,
I wonder what's next;
I hear the sound of laughter
and I see your smile.
I want faith and desire-
I am wistful and optimistic.
I pretend to be brave;
I feel the waves crashing about me.
I touch the pause button;
and I worry about the end results.
I cry over the lost me and the chances that were never taken.
I am wistful and optimistic
I understand that I can be me;
I say lets run and don't look back.
I dream of what's to come and what will never be again.
I try to be me,
I hope for faith and desire-
I am wistful and optimistic
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Touched a nerve....
I read a list today and two things on it touched a nerve: If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
and Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Oh, how true they both are.
I
am currently in a "relationship", that is unknown to everyone but a
select few. Why? He's still married, in the process of divorce, but
still legally, technically married. I was "legally technically" married
when we began this relationship, but I felt it okay to tell a few
people. He's not of the same mind. So no one (but a select few) knows
and no one else will know until the divorce is final. But then, he
moves to Korea and will be gone a year...so there's another year that
I'll be alone and miserable. I hate this more and more everyday. I am
just not feeling being in a relationship anymore.I'm losing sight of
myself again.It like I jumped right from a wife..to His girl and didn't
stop to find myself in between...and then no one but you (and work
people) and his parents know about it..and I hate that. I have a
sincere need to be acknowledged.
So, my problem is--How
do I tell him that? I don't want to stop seeing him completely, I just
want to have time to myself and maybe explore the possibility of seeing
other people (no one in particular).
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