Time told.

Well, He called... and texted. A ton. I don't think it's been more than 8 hours with out hearing from him in someway since last friday. Huh.

A random gift :)

 So, I'm sitting at home last night and get a text message from my girl Deb who wants me to come out to her dad and step-mom's anniversary party. Now normally, I am not a huge fan of parties where I don't know anyone but Deb is being very  persuasive about it.  I say no initially...so she tells me that she's got a birthday gift for me there. I like presents, so I tell her to send me a picture.... and OMG!!! Holy hot scruffy DJ neighbor of her dad's Batman! So I get all dressed up and head out to small town Iowa for a anniversary party for people I don't really know.

Once there, I get to meet hot DJ :) who is very obviously drunk but charming nonetheless. He tells me he's 37 (very obviously not) and black (again, obviously not) and seems shocked when I don't fall for his bullshit. He then begins telling me about himself, Name Josh, occupation DJ, just moved to IA from Houston.  There's is a good amount of "chemistry" between the two of us and we exchange phone numbers and photos from our phones.  I look at his mom, who happes to live next door to Deb's dad... and tell her that I am going to do inappropriate things with her son. She gives her blessing. (To her credit, she was also drunk at the time) 

Conversation flows, the alcohol flows and soon it's time to go home.  Josh walks me to the car and gives me a big hug and kiss goodbye. He promises to call soon...time will tell.

Who am I?

I am wistful and optimistic,

I wonder what's next;

I hear the sound of laughter

 and I see your smile.

I want faith and desire-

I am wistful and optimistic.

I pretend to be brave;

I feel the waves crashing about me.

I touch the pause button;

and I worry about the end results.

I cry over the lost me and the chances that were never taken.

I am wistful and optimistic

 

I understand that I can be me;

I say lets run and don't look back.

I dream of what's to come and what will never be again.

I try to be me,

 I hope for faith and desire-

I am wistful and optimistic

Touched a nerve....

I read a list today and two things on it touched a nerve: If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
and Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Oh, how true they both are.

I
am currently in a "relationship", that is unknown to everyone but a
select few. Why? He's still married, in the process of divorce, but
still legally, technically married. I was "legally technically" married
when we began this relationship, but I felt it okay to tell a few
people. He's not of the same mind.  So no one  (but a select few) knows
and no one else will know until the divorce is final. But then, he
moves to Korea and will be gone a year...so there's another year that
I'll be alone and miserable. I hate this more and more everyday. I am
just not feeling being in a relationship anymore.I'm losing sight of
myself again.It like I jumped right from a wife..to His girl and didn't
stop to find myself in between...and then no one but you (and work
people) and his parents know about it..and I hate that. I have a
sincere need to be acknowledged.

So, my problem is--How
do I tell him that? I don't want to stop seeing him completely, I just
want to have time to myself and maybe explore the possibility of seeing
other people (no one in particular).

Why do I have such a hard time with this?

On this day of your life, Becky, we believe God wants you to know...
... that when people tell you nice things, stop shrugging them off as if they are nothing.

The sincere compliments you receive are your jewels, - collect them in your heart, - they highlight the beauty of your being and empower you during challenging times. Never say 'oh, it's nothing' or shrug your shoulders when you hear a sincere compliment. Pause, breath it in, and really feel its meaning.

 

 

I got this message from Facebook this morning, and it struck me as something that I should listen to. I really have a hard time accepting compliments/praise from other people yet I have really low self-esteem. You'd think that I'd eat it up, wouldn't you? But no, I think hearing things like this make it worse--as you feel as if people are joking and not being truthful with you. But that is probably just me.

 

 

 

The finale...isn't really all that grand.

On Monday, Jason and I walked into a court room and declared in front of God and everyone that we were done. Done with each other, done with being a family, done with being married.

It all ended. 11.5 years of my life, down the drain. I have nothing really to show for it but a bruised ego, an un-trusting heart and the faint hope that in the end, I will be okay.

It's been a tumultuous few months between the two of us with little respite from stresses of daily life as a family of sorts.

I've moved out, we've both moved on.

I won't lay blame at anyone's feet, God knows I made my fair share of mistakes and wrong turns as has he.

But, in the end it was the best decision for the kids, and that's what matters right now.

I am doing my best to maintain a positive relationship with him for the sake of our three gorgeous children, and I won't lie-- It's hard. It's hard to accept him in only that capacity as a father to my children, knowing that I have no further access to his daily life....that the stuff I've been privy to for the last decade is no longer "any of my business". Do I think I can maintain a friendship with him? I don't know... But I do know that I will not tolerate any one bad-mouthing him in front of me or to me or my children.

So, that's my life in a nutshell right now on that front. Sometime in the upcoming months hopfully, I will have some exciting news to share, but for now-- I cant.

Hope

The Hope of Loving

by Meister Eckhart

What keeps us alive, what allows us to endure?

I think it is the hope of loving,
or being loved.