Happy Birthday Mom...

I  miss you.

Things that make you wonder...

Did you ever catch yourself in the middle of doing something and wonder how the hell you ended up there at that point in time? I just had a moment like that...I was walking downstairs to the laundry room in the basement of the apartment building and suddenly it occurred to me that this isn't' how my life was planned out... this wasn't where I was supposed to be.

I'm 30 with three kids-- I should be married, in a little house with a fence and a big backyard where the dog can run around and the kids can ride their bikes on the sidewalk in front...but no, I live in a small walk up apartment, with a grouchy cat, my kids are only here 50 percent of the time and I'm not married.

But as I stood there, on the stairs with a large basket of laundry, I realized something-- I am the happiest I have been in 12 years. I know what makes my heart sing and I now have the courage to seek it out. I don't feel the need to hide behind what others visions of a wife/woman are anymore, I know who I am and I know that I live to love, laugh, and be with the ones who help me to do so. I think for myself, but am willing to listen, so long as you will listen in return. I know that I dont' always have to be perfect, and I don't always have to be a saint (saints are boring anyway)  I'm not perfect, I never tried to be. I've made mistakes. I've taken the easy way out. I've lied to my friends. I've hidden the truth so many times from so many people. I've hurt people, and I've even done it on purpose. I've left people behind. I've spread rumors. I've said things that I didn't mean. I'm no better than anyone, anywhere. I'm human. I have faults, and I'm not afraid to admit that. I want to change, but I won't. Because that's what we as humans do. That's what we've always done. We list our faults like a grocery list, and we move on, expecting everything to somehow change itself. It never will. I will never change. I will never be perfect. I will always make mistakes. What matters now is that I know this about myself and that I am comfortable with who I am. I wouldn't have come to this conclusion, this self-acceptance, this peace-- if I had continued on the path that I had been on...if the little house with the large backyard, the dog running around were still in the picture, I'd still be the unsure, unfufilled, depressed little girl that I was. Thankfully, I have grown up and moved on.

So, I guess Douglas Adams sums it up best : "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."

Did you ever?

Did you ever hear a song that spoke the words that you longed to say, long after the situation was over? Long past the time of the other party caring? There is this one song  that- every time I hear it--makes me want to go back and say the exact words to someone. I won't name names, but I am sure it'll be obvious to a few of you. (I made a few tense changes, to make it make better sense)

According to you
I was stupid,
I was  useless,
I couldn't do anything right.
According to you
I was difficult,
Hard to please,
Forever changing my mind.
I was a mess in a dress,
Couldn't show up on time,
Even if it would've saved my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,
He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
So baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you.

According to you
I was boring,
I was moody,
You couldn't take me any place.
According to you
I sucked at telling jokes cause I always gave it away.
I was the girl with the worst attention span;
You were the boy who put up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
Incredible,

He can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
So baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
According to you.

I needed to feel appreciated,
Like I wasn't hated. oh-- no--.
Why couldn't  you see me through his eyes?

Hope

Last week I was googling, hoping to find interesting things before my brain melted down. I came across this:



 The message stayed with me. I repeated the words in my head and it made me feel good each time I did. I kept thinking about it as I walked around, wondering who put the message there and why.

The words stayed with me a few days, each time I'd think them I'd have pleasant thoughts. I imagined a person touched by the unexpected kind actions of another. I imagined the happiness of someone being told they inspired someone else. I imagined someone grateful for another person but too shy to say so. I imagined people who inspired me and others. I imagined that I was filling someone with hope just by being me.

Everything I imagined was nice, everything made me connected and happy.

I began to think the message's only purpose was to inspired happy thoughts. And for me it did. I think the mystery was a big part of it. Why this message and to whom? The mystery kept me thinking about it. And it was nice.

And so it continues... your existence gives me hope. Hope for the future, hope for you, hope for me. Hope for humanity. Thank you.

Hell

I just got back from Hell
and I'm standing here alive
I know it's really hard to tell
Don't know how I survived
But I can't say that I'm doin' great
But I think I'm doin' well
That Devil's gonna have to wait
'Cause I just got back from Hell

Well, I just got back from Hell
And I guess to tell the truth
Well, I've been mad at everyone, including God and you
When you can't find no one to blame you just blame yourself
And I know I'll never be the same
I just got back from Hell

Forgive me if I had any part
If Iever broke your heart in two
Forgive me for what I didnt know
For what I didnt say or do
And, God, forgive me as well
'Cause I just got back from Hell

Well, I just got back from Hell
And I need to make some plans
It's the last thing that I wanna do
But I'll do the best I can
I'm gonna learn to live again
But I think I'll sit a spell
Tell the world that I'm alive
and I just got back from Hell

I can't say that I'm doin' great
But I think I'm gettin' well
Gonna let the world know I'm alive
And I just got back from Hell
And I just got back from Hell
I just got back from Hell
Got back from Hell

Beannachtam na Femle Padraig!!

 

 

Go raibh do ghloine lán go deo.
Go raibh láidir go breá
an dion thar do cheann.
Go raibh tú í Neamh,
leathúair os comhair
a bhfuil a fhíos ag an diabhal
atá tú bás.

 

(May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head.
be always strong.
May you be in heaven 
a half hour before 
the devil knows you're dead.)

FYI to whom it may concern:

My feelings for you are complicated, the only thing I know for sure is that you make me smile and I will continue to fight for that.